Fuck Cancer

Fuck cancer.

And fuck cancer for messing with my family again.

sigh.

So this is the story—–the rubbings and bloodwork from the bile duct showed a high incidence of abnormal cells indicating cancer.  Today they did an endoscopic ultrasound and looked at everything.  The doctor said he can’t actually tell if the mass is coming from the bile duct or from the pancreas.  He said that a preliminary look at the lymph nodes doesn’t seem to show them being involved (at last some good news).  But we’ll have the results of the biopsy on the ‘mass’ and the lymph nodes tomorrow. Hopefully she’ll come home tomorrow—or very soon.  I imagine that things will happen pretty quickly.

She’ll need surgery.  We’ll go wherever the best surgeon is but right now Charleston, Atlanta and Chicago are possibilities.  All things being equal we’d go with Chicago as some of Judi’s closest friends are there and it would be easier for us to get up there, particularly with Home Base Eileen waiting for us.

I go back and forth, up and down and all around of course…..as does Judi.  Mostly I’m exhausted but I’m so thankful that I’m here.  This is probably the worst possible week of the entire year for me to be away from work.  Literally….worst week.  I loaded a lot of work onto other people and I am really grateful to them for their kindness and absolute graciousness.  I had to be here though and am so very glad that I made that decision. I’ll miss Leo’s birthday party but that’s o.k.  I’ll probably take off on Saturday.  I wish I didn’t have to leave but I really do…and certainly I’ll have to take more time off work down the road so…..

I called my mother and she said my father was getting worse.  This is very hard on her.  As crazy as life can get I always tell myself as long as my boys are o.k. then things are good.  But of course this  is one of her girls….so things aren’t good.  Judi’s not going to be able to handle their bills for the time being so I’ll need to figure that out when I get home.  Of course getting Judi to accept that she might not be able to do things is something of a challenge.  She fully believes she can just power on through everything…..

Her best time of day is around lunchtime—she perks up and is herself.  In fact today she felt so good for awhile that she started bossing me around.  Go ask at the nurse’s station….can you go get this….go ask blah blah blah…..  Cancer will not cure her of being a big sister…..

Thank you to all who posted kind words and to all those that didn’t post but sent prayers and thoughts and meditations anyway…..we really need them.