Yesterday was dark, rainy and icy. I had a long and pretty productive day at work so by 4:45 I was ready to get out from behind the computer and go home to my guys. Instead the phone rang and when I heard my mother’s tearful voice I knew something was wrong. She said my father was very confused and wanted to leave and asked me to come over and talk to him.
I got there and I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t there. It’s odd how you can tell by looking at his eyes. What was different about last night was that he was confused and he KNEW he was confused. Very painful. He looked at me sadly and said, "you better not waste any time on me….I’m a bad apple." He told me that he hadn’t done a good job with his life, he hadn’t kept his family together and he’d been away from Mom. He just kept saying that he wasn’t a good person and nothing I could say seemed to change that. You know, if he was happily confused I would just go along with it but to see him like this was pretty awful.
I don’t think I ever really convinced him that he was at home but he did agree to stay there. I called my mother later and she said he’d calmed down some. Not a good way to start the evening.
Oh, how awful…this makes me cry for you all. I know it is tough on a daily basis, but what can you do in these times? They are so lucky to have you near and you are so strong to be able to deal with it all.
This is heartbreaking. What did you do for yourself after you finally got home? How does one regroup and recharge after a conversation like that? I’m glad your mom called you. I’m glad you’re able to help them both in such concrete ways.
I hope you get some comfort by sharing, Cynthia. For what it’s worth, just reading about the challenging parts of your life has helped me in so many ways. As always, I’m sending positive thoughts your way.