oh

Bad day today.

Disappointing stuff at work. I don’t write about work here but oh man….I gotta say…if my job goes south I’m at the end of my tether.

Went to parent/teacher conferences.  Not much to report other than I have great guys except…oh yeah….well….Owen’s teacher said he sometimes tells her that he’s worried about his mother.

That brought me to my knees. 

I am heartbroken.

I am fucking up if my kindergartener is spending his time worrying about me.

I am really sad tonight.

My boys deserve better and yet I’m doing the best I can.

8 thoughts on “oh

  1. Cynthia, even though I only know you through this blog, it’s clear that you would do anything for your boys. They don’t deserve better because they have the best–a mother who loves them more than life itself and strives to give them the best of everything. So many kids would give anything to have what Leo and Owen have in you. Owen is just a sensitive, caring little boy who is more in tune with people’s feelings than most adults. You shouldn’t feel sad about raising a son with that depth of compassion. You should feel very proud.

  2. oh, girl. I am not near a real computer right now and won’t be for a while, but I wanted to let you know I read this.
    You have a lot on yr plate right now. It’s OK.

  3. Good news/Bad news:
    The bad news is you are probably right – there isn’t a child that doesn’t get screwed up by their parents.
    The good news is – only the good parents care that they are screwing up their kids.
    Oh…
    Um,
    (sorry and all)
    but,
    there might even be a bit more bad news, actually –
    you see,
    i don’t even know if the above is really true, but it’s what I keep telling myself while I am screwing up my own kids…
    Whew…
    That’s enough self-realization for one day… OK now, back into denial I go!

  4. Perhaps you and the boys can have some time to fill up your tanks this weekend. Sounds like you are running on fumes. I’d invite you out for coffee, but I’m taking the bar exam for the second time next week and have to be in my hideyhole for a few more days.

  5. Cynthia,
    Children that feel compassion–like Owen–are testaments to their parents’ GOOD job of raising them. The tenderness he is expressing should be a cherished quality you can be proud of. I remember once when my 21-yr. old son was about 18 months old. I must’ve been sad or something, because when I picked him up for a hug, he patted me on the back with his little hands–just as I would for him to soothe him if he was crying or restless.
    Keep up the good work. You focus on the right things, as far as I can judge.

  6. Owen is a sweet sensitive little soul and you should be proud of what great parents you are. Kids will take on some things no matter how much we try to keep them sheltered from adult worries. I remember being very worried about my mom at Owen’s age. I don’t think she could have done anything to keep me from worrying. We started a “therapy fund” when we first had kids so at least we could help them pay for therapy after we messed them up. 🙂

  7. Late here, but don’t feel bad that Owen is concerned and caring. Be proud. Hug that little boy, and tell him how much his love means to you and is getting you through this, because it will be valuable to him to know that his very existence is why you are going to be OK.
    And be glad that he has a kindergarten teacher he can vent to.
    I have an experience similar to Mel’s. Sammy was maybe two or three and somehow he knew I was sad about something. He went and got me a glass of water and said, “Mommy, I think you need a big squeezy hug.” They know. And they want to help.
    No, no, no, you are not doing anything wrong. As a matter of fact, if, with all you’re facing and having to deal with, your beautiful babies did NOT sense that something was wrong and consequently did NOT give a damn and further, didn’t even worry, then I’d be worried about them. I’d think they were uncaring little bastard that will grow up to be the prick in high school that hits people just to feel better about themselves. No, you’ve taught these kids about what matters. I read somewhere that a child who DOESN’t develop empathy by the time they’re something like 3 or 4 never will. It’s like their brain is hardwired shut. Owen’s going to be OK — he knows how to care and love, and that will guarantee him the very same in return as he grows up. He’s not seeing you fret over stupid crap like car payments or having the right clothes or anything like that. He’s seeing you hurting over things that matter, people you love. You’re showing him PRIORITIES. That goes a long way. I’m very impressed with him and thus the job you’re doing with him.
    None of us as parents ever want to see our babies hurt. That’s our biological duty, to see that never happens. But the heart, like all muscles, needs to be worked to stay healthy.

Thoughts?

oh

Bad day today.

Disappointing stuff at work. I don’t write about work here but oh man….I gotta say…if my job goes south I’m at the end of my tether.

Went to parent/teacher conferences.  Not much to report other than I have great guys except…oh yeah….well….Owen’s teacher said he sometimes tells her that he’s worried about his mother.

That brought me to my knees. 

I am heartbroken.

I am fucking up if my kindergartener is spending his time worrying about me.

I am really sad tonight.

My boys deserve better and yet I’m doing the best I can.

7 thoughts on “oh

  1. Cynthia, even though I only know you through this blog, it’s clear that you would do anything for your boys. They don’t deserve better because they have the best–a mother who loves them more than life itself and strives to give them the best of everything. So many kids would give anything to have what Leo and Owen have in you. Owen is just a sensitive, caring little boy who is more in tune with people’s feelings than most adults. You shouldn’t feel sad about raising a son with that depth of compassion. You should feel very proud.

  2. oh, girl. I am not near a real computer right now and won’t be for a while, but I wanted to let you know I read this.
    You have a lot on yr plate right now. It’s OK.

  3. Good news/Bad news:
    The bad news is you are probably right – there isn’t a child that doesn’t get screwed up by their parents.
    The good news is – only the good parents care that they are screwing up their kids.
    Oh…
    Um,
    (sorry and all)
    but,
    there might even be a bit more bad news, actually –
    you see,
    i don’t even know if the above is really true, but it’s what I keep telling myself while I am screwing up my own kids…
    Whew…
    That’s enough self-realization for one day… OK now, back into denial I go!

  4. Perhaps you and the boys can have some time to fill up your tanks this weekend. Sounds like you are running on fumes. I’d invite you out for coffee, but I’m taking the bar exam for the second time next week and have to be in my hideyhole for a few more days.

  5. Cynthia,
    Children that feel compassion–like Owen–are testaments to their parents’ GOOD job of raising them. The tenderness he is expressing should be a cherished quality you can be proud of. I remember once when my 21-yr. old son was about 18 months old. I must’ve been sad or something, because when I picked him up for a hug, he patted me on the back with his little hands–just as I would for him to soothe him if he was crying or restless.
    Keep up the good work. You focus on the right things, as far as I can judge.

  6. Owen is a sweet sensitive little soul and you should be proud of what great parents you are. Kids will take on some things no matter how much we try to keep them sheltered from adult worries. I remember being very worried about my mom at Owen’s age. I don’t think she could have done anything to keep me from worrying. We started a “therapy fund” when we first had kids so at least we could help them pay for therapy after we messed them up. 🙂

Thoughts?

oh

Bad day today.

Disappointing stuff at work. I don’t write about work here but oh man….I gotta say…if my job goes south I’m at the end of my tether.

Went to parent/teacher conferences.  Not much to report other than I have great guys except…oh yeah….well….Owen’s teacher said he sometimes tells her that he’s worried about his mother.

That brought me to my knees. 

I am heartbroken.

I am fucking up if my kindergartener is spending his time worrying about me.

I am really sad tonight.

My boys deserve better and yet I’m doing the best I can.

8 thoughts on “oh

  1. Cynthia, even though I only know you through this blog, it’s clear that you would do anything for your boys. They don’t deserve better because they have the best–a mother who loves them more than life itself and strives to give them the best of everything. So many kids would give anything to have what Leo and Owen have in you. Owen is just a sensitive, caring little boy who is more in tune with people’s feelings than most adults. You shouldn’t feel sad about raising a son with that depth of compassion. You should feel very proud.

  2. oh, girl. I am not near a real computer right now and won’t be for a while, but I wanted to let you know I read this.
    You have a lot on yr plate right now. It’s OK.

  3. Good news/Bad news:
    The bad news is you are probably right – there isn’t a child that doesn’t get screwed up by their parents.
    The good news is – only the good parents care that they are screwing up their kids.
    Oh…
    Um,
    (sorry and all)
    but,
    there might even be a bit more bad news, actually –
    you see,
    i don’t even know if the above is really true, but it’s what I keep telling myself while I am screwing up my own kids…
    Whew…
    That’s enough self-realization for one day… OK now, back into denial I go!

  4. Perhaps you and the boys can have some time to fill up your tanks this weekend. Sounds like you are running on fumes. I’d invite you out for coffee, but I’m taking the bar exam for the second time next week and have to be in my hideyhole for a few more days.

  5. Cynthia,
    Children that feel compassion–like Owen–are testaments to their parents’ GOOD job of raising them. The tenderness he is expressing should be a cherished quality you can be proud of. I remember once when my 21-yr. old son was about 18 months old. I must’ve been sad or something, because when I picked him up for a hug, he patted me on the back with his little hands–just as I would for him to soothe him if he was crying or restless.
    Keep up the good work. You focus on the right things, as far as I can judge.

  6. Owen is a sweet sensitive little soul and you should be proud of what great parents you are. Kids will take on some things no matter how much we try to keep them sheltered from adult worries. I remember being very worried about my mom at Owen’s age. I don’t think she could have done anything to keep me from worrying. We started a “therapy fund” when we first had kids so at least we could help them pay for therapy after we messed them up. 🙂

  7. Late here, but don’t feel bad that Owen is concerned and caring. Be proud. Hug that little boy, and tell him how much his love means to you and is getting you through this, because it will be valuable to him to know that his very existence is why you are going to be OK.
    And be glad that he has a kindergarten teacher he can vent to.
    I have an experience similar to Mel’s. Sammy was maybe two or three and somehow he knew I was sad about something. He went and got me a glass of water and said, “Mommy, I think you need a big squeezy hug.” They know. And they want to help.
    No, no, no, you are not doing anything wrong. As a matter of fact, if, with all you’re facing and having to deal with, your beautiful babies did NOT sense that something was wrong and consequently did NOT give a damn and further, didn’t even worry, then I’d be worried about them. I’d think they were uncaring little bastard that will grow up to be the prick in high school that hits people just to feel better about themselves. No, you’ve taught these kids about what matters. I read somewhere that a child who DOESN’t develop empathy by the time they’re something like 3 or 4 never will. It’s like their brain is hardwired shut. Owen’s going to be OK — he knows how to care and love, and that will guarantee him the very same in return as he grows up. He’s not seeing you fret over stupid crap like car payments or having the right clothes or anything like that. He’s seeing you hurting over things that matter, people you love. You’re showing him PRIORITIES. That goes a long way. I’m very impressed with him and thus the job you’re doing with him.
    None of us as parents ever want to see our babies hurt. That’s our biological duty, to see that never happens. But the heart, like all muscles, needs to be worked to stay healthy.

Thoughts?

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