Huh.  Don’t even quite know what to say.  Yesterday was a very tough day. I didn’t sleep much last night.  I don’t think I handled myself well with the boys.  I tried to be positive but of course I was obviously miserable.  Leo came into our room last night and said he couldn’t sleep and ended up sleeping with us which is as rare as  some clever analogy that I can’t think of right now.  This morning he was grumpier than hell and I said to him, "hey, Leo, you know Daddy is going to be just fine" and he growled, "I know, you keep saying that and I’m tired of hearing it."  oops.  Owen was just miserable to be going to school.  I can’t wait until kindergarten is over.

I’ll get back on track soon.  I’m better than yesterday I think. Comments are open again.  Ernie has moved into stoic mode.  We’ll see his oncologist Sapiente (whom we love) tomorrow afternoon and talk about options.  He may just go back on Lupron.  Not something he’s thrilled about but it’s doable.  Sapiente said he might also qualify for some research studies so we’ll see.

My eyes are swollen and I feel like hell.  Can’t imagine that I’ll be terribly productive at work today but I have to go in and try to get some stuff done.  I remember when I was in labor with Leo  (a particularly difficult labor—-anybody surprised out there?) at one point I said "I can’t do this" and the nurse that was there said to me, "but you are doing it."  And that’s kind of how I feel right now.  When I’m by myself I cry and say ‘I can’t handle this."  But you know….there are no options.  I have to handle it.  And whatever we have to do to make Ernie healthy we will do.  He is the most important thing in the world to me and Leo and Owen.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, messages and prayers.  They are much appreciated and much needed.

10 thoughts on “O.K…. Well Then…..

  1. I have been holding out–trying to think of the right words to say–and finally realizing that there are no “right words”.
    I am thinking of you and Ernie…

  2. I didn’t have your other email address.
    I’m sorry, it sucks, and fuck cancer, yeah.
    It is hard to be strong, but you ARE doing it. Please let me know if I can help.
    Praying for you.

  3. Just know that you and family are at the top of my nightly “god list”. Good Vibrations heading your way! With love…mel

  4. I’m so sorry to hear about Ernie. I sense you are stronger than you think you are, but you probably won’t feel that way often. No doubt those who care about you will see it in your love and care for Ernie, the boys, your parents…
    May trust and peace be your special gifts during this time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. Wow, Cynthia. It does seem like you’re getting more than your fair share of hardship and heartache. I’m wishing you strength and peace.

  6. Dear Cynthia,
    I’m sorry I don’t have your e-mail, but Eileen headed me toward the blog and I can’t help but write. I’m floored by the bad news. Sending you lots of good energy. Please know we are thinking about you all. The kids are beautiful! Love, Sheila