Huh. Don’t even quite know what to say. Yesterday was a very tough day. I didn’t sleep much last night. I don’t think I handled myself well with the boys. I tried to be positive but of course I was obviously miserable. Leo came into our room last night and said he couldn’t sleep and ended up sleeping with us which is as rare as some clever analogy that I can’t think of right now. This morning he was grumpier than hell and I said to him, "hey, Leo, you know Daddy is going to be just fine" and he growled, "I know, you keep saying that and I’m tired of hearing it." oops. Owen was just miserable to be going to school. I can’t wait until kindergarten is over.
I’ll get back on track soon. I’m better than yesterday I think. Comments are open again. Ernie has moved into stoic mode. We’ll see his oncologist Sapiente (whom we love) tomorrow afternoon and talk about options. He may just go back on Lupron. Not something he’s thrilled about but it’s doable. Sapiente said he might also qualify for some research studies so we’ll see.
My eyes are swollen and I feel like hell. Can’t imagine that I’ll be terribly productive at work today but I have to go in and try to get some stuff done. I remember when I was in labor with Leo (a particularly difficult labor—-anybody surprised out there?) at one point I said "I can’t do this" and the nurse that was there said to me, "but you are doing it." And that’s kind of how I feel right now. When I’m by myself I cry and say ‘I can’t handle this." But you know….there are no options. I have to handle it. And whatever we have to do to make Ernie healthy we will do. He is the most important thing in the world to me and Leo and Owen.
Thank you for your kind thoughts, messages and prayers. They are much appreciated and much needed.