The last time I saw David Olney was a year ago today

Thinking about David Olney today. It was a year ago today that David Olney and Dan Seymour were at our house. So many other friends were there—Van…and Lucienne. It was glorious. A full year ago. It feels like another lifetime.

I remember getting anxious when it was getting late and they weren't back from their hotel yet. Then someone told me David was sitting at the table in the front yard talking to folks. Teri took this picture which I love.

It was such a wonderful night.

I still find it hard to believe he's gone. Seven months now. Eight months since Ernie's New Year's adventures in the hospital and the start of his chemo. I know I'm still grieving these things. It's why I'm not listening to much music and why I close myself up in the house too much. 

I'm grieving the loss of David and the loss of Nick, and I'm grieving the change in Ernie's health. Ernie's had cancer so god damned long (the other day when I was giving info for one of his MRI's they asked me when he'd been diagnosed and I started to say 2014…then realized, whoops, it was 2004) that I've talked with numerous people after being diagnosed or going through treatment. When somebody is diagnosed I always tell them or their partner that it's ok to grieve. You can be positive and confident that all will work out fine but you still get to grieve for the vision of your life you had..the vision that didn't include this. We never see these things coming, even though we should know better, we see our life going merrily along. When something like this happens though, you have to adjust your view of your life and so it's ok to grieve that change.

That's what I keep telling myself, that it's ok to grieve, but it's hard to admit it to myself.  I work so hard to appreciate the wonderful things I have in my life that to give in to grief sometimes feels selfish.

I am fully convinced that there are gifts in hard times. I have been changed profoundly by hard times and I am a better person for it. Not perfect, but better. I am grateful for the gifts I have found and the ones I have been given, such as my three guys, but sometimes, well, sometimes I grieve.

I'm grieving David today.

I'll love you forever, David.