Man. I feel as though it’s been a week or more since I posted but I just checked and it’s been a whopping two days.

Well then. Let’s recap. We went to the South Clinic Tuesday and saw the urologist as a hospital follow-up which was, as I had predicted, pretty much a waste of time. However I didn’t mind as the guy we saw is very cute and quite charming. He also seemed amused by us, asking in the middle of the appointment how long we’d been together. It made me laugh and we explained that we’d indeed been together forever and yes, a sense of humor is what gets us through. We headed back home for a bit then went back to the hospital for his blood transfusion and an injection.

I kinda hate the observation type units. He had a chair and we were right across from the nurse’s station. Ernie found a chair for me and pulled it over so I could sit in the corner of the wallless room. There’s something so visceral to see the red blood dripping into the tube and running through the tubing into a hole in his chest. Despite seeing all the various fluids he gets, this one always startles.

We left there around 4:30 and again I wondered how sitting in a chair in a hospital for hours can be so incredibly draining. I think we ate leftovers. I can’t even remember.

Over the course of Monday and Tuesday, which were both long days, I came to a decision. I am taking a leave of absence from work for a bit. I’m not sure how long because…well, there are SO many unknowns right now. How long can I afford to do this (I work on a consulting basis currently so I have no paid time off) and how long will I need to do this? I don’t know. My work, Investigate Midwest, has been incredibly supportive of my leave and I am so grateful to them.

I’ve really been struggling to balance work and all the various appointments and treatments and emails and insurance and just every god damned thing. I finally acknowledged to myself, as I sat in the Infusion Suite on Monday watching Ernie doing his crosswords but mostly dozing as they poured poison in him, that I just can’t do it all. I realize that I am not giving myself a break at all (well, except in letting the house be messy, skipping showers and ordering out). I just can’t keep this up. I can’t do a good job for work at the moment and that tears me up so that’s where we are. I’m taking a month off but will reassess as we go along. My focus right now is just Ernie. Well, and me.

Ok, there’s another thing. Two beloved friends, Teri McCarthy and Renee Pollock have been telling me that we need to do a GoFundMe and Teri has now gone ahead and posted it. I’ll admit, life has gotten complicated and even with insurance, life with cancer just isn’t cheap. It’s very difficult to admit needing a bit of help. And mind you, so many friends have already been incredibly kind and generous. I’m going to post the link to the GoFundMe but please know that nothing is expected and I know and appreciate how many of you have already helped out.

Man, life is just unexpected, isn’t it?

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of the day figuring out the leave stuff, sending emails, etc. Ernie felt pretty lousy yesterday. He wasn’t eating so I got him to drink a Boost which he promptly threw up. Damn. I had a batch of his gruel half made and so I finished that up and he actually managed about half a bowl in the evening so that was good. This morning as I was laying in bed waking up I texted him to see how he feels, as is my wont to do. Man, I just love him.

When I came downstairs I saw he had indeed gotten himself an amuse-bouche of jello with his gruel. That’s my boy.

So that’s my news: a leave of absence, a GoFundMe, and something of a new direction.

Onward, with humble thanks for the kind support we have received, and love to all that are dealing with their own challenges.

One thought on “Something of a new direction and this other thing

  1. Cynthia and Ernie, my heart goes out to you, along with every good wish I can manage that this awful period in your lives will soon resolve into something far more tolerable. I do think that your decision, Cynthia, to take a leave of absence makes utter sense, and I hope it helps relieve at least the stress of thinking you somehow have to work in the middle of everything else. I’m so glad that friends organized the GoFundMe page, and I hope it continues to soar, as it’s doing now! Hope that boosts your spirits, too, and gets you through the gruel and Jello amuse-bouches! There are lots of people out here who are behind you, it’s clear. Me, too! Hang in, and hugs!